Your Highness to you!


And a good day to you as well. And stop shouting.

With a heart full of tears I write to seek for your help at this time of grief in my family. I am the wife of Nigeria's former head of state, Late Gen. Sani Abacha [Alhaja Mariam Abacha].

With my senses dulled by enough alcohol I'm reading your drivel at this time of drunkenness. I am the Weird Bloke who runs this so-called website. And you sent this rubbish to me. So you did. But I'm digressing.

Soon after the demise of my husband, the succeeding regime of Abdusallami Abubakar besieged my family and started probing every activity of my husband while in office. The present civilian government continued with probe to the extent of arresting my son Mohammed Abacha alongside with my husband's Chief Security Officer (CSO), major Hamza Mustapha. The two are currently facing trial in the court.

That sounds very exiting. Will they be beheaded publicly? Or drawn and quartered? Can you send me a postcard when it happens? I might drop in to see this. But then, maybe not.

Several false allegation of murder of some politician, Activists/prodemocracy agents; misgovernance and vast loot of the Nations Treasury were leveled against my husband. As a result, all our properties have been seized and our Bank Account frozen leaving us with no means of livelihood.

Huh, that's a bit of a bummer, isn't it? So how are you getting by at the moment?

The only money left for us is a defaced cash sum of US$45M (Forty-Four Million U.S Dollars) contained In trunk boxes which I instructed my half brother to take out of the country immediately my husband died. The money has to be defaced in order to beat security operatives while on transit. My half brother was able to cross the box to the southern part of africa (South Africa) and deposited them with a Trust / Security Company's family Treasures before His death.

So he managed to go all the way from Nigeria to South Africa and can't go any further? Or is he dead as well? I thought your dishonest husband died? Or did he not after all? Is he just cheating you? Now I'm confuzzled!

Right now, my family is in urgent need of having this money invested outside Nigeria because of several ongoing probes on ex-service men and also political instability in the country.

Sounds like Europe to me. Or anywhere else in the world for that matter. But don't worry, we can sort you out...

My request therefore is for you to give me necessary assistance to claim this money from the security company and transfer it to your personal account in your country. Our family lawyer will process the enabling documents in your name as the Trustee/Beneficiary of the fund to facilitate its withdrawal.

Yeah, no bother. Just have him contact my legal team, they'll sort him out. Do you need his body back once they are through with him?

I am equally willing to compensate your effort with 30% of the money when it arrives your account.

Only 30%? Is that your best offer? I normally don't get out of bed for less than USD25M. Excluding expenses that is.

Please note that government is still keeping surveillance over the activities of my family with regards to traveling and Telephone calls. Therefore you should treat this business with absolute confidentiality. All your correspondence to me must be strictly through my e-mail address.

Which is why you are sending this via postcard. You are really clever, oh yes. I'm sure MI6 is reading all your emails and you are in deep trouble indeed... Not forgetting that I'm just publishing this nonsense on the internet. Ooops!

The lawyer as my representative would be meeting you in due course on my behalf as the need may arise.

Just be aware that an audience with me requires an appointment to be made at least 5 years in advance. Thought I mention that. Not that your barrister travels all the way only for me not being here, there or anywhere.

I assure you that no risk of any kind is involved in this transaction.

Most certainly not. Only the ruthless henchmen of your corrupt government? Or your clan?

I eagerly await your immediate reply.

Here it is. For everyone to read.


Not for that. My pleasure!

Alhaja Mariam Abacha,
c/o Barrister Hamad Bello

The Weird Bloke
c/o Virtual Mansion House